“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island
We enter into relationships attracted to the person we see, the person they are. First impressions.
We hope this individual will fall in love with us as much as we have fallen in love with them.
That’s in a perfect world.
Instead, we are sometimes faced with a dilemma in which the person we thought our partner was/is instead a fanciful illusion. Baby, what a quandary.
Life and love are not easy. Mix the two together and you have a volatile mix.
“You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too–even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie
No relationship is perfect. We are all faced with day-to-day issues testing our love, our trust. When that happens we have to ask ourselves: “In the end, is this worth it. Is all that pain worth the struggle? ”
Yes and no. Yes, if both of you work together to resolve whatever issues are plaguing the marriage or partnership. No, if one of you is either not willing or in denial as to where the relationship is heading.
When you come together as a unit, you come with baggage. ALL of us do. Either it’s the way we were raised, previous relationship issues, financial problems, bringing in children (and though it’s not politically correct to group children in this way, they are in fact part of something else that can bring either great joy or hardship depending on where the both of you are at.) You cannot close your eyes to these things. Whatever is brought in to the mix has to be discussed otherwise you’ll face heartache, resentment, or distrust down the road.
Never let love blind you, never let it consume you to the point you forget who you were before. Your partner fell in love with you as you were, an individual, and vice versa. When merging households you also bring in different belief systems (yes, because no two people are alike)….different backgrounds, values, mores, personalities…the list goes on and on. And before you merge, those differences should be addressed. Thinking that they’ll “right themselves” or “work themselves out” is a set up for failure.
Embrace the good in the other person, revel in their uniqueness. Appreciate their flaws but at the same time do not let these flaws bog the both of you down and never ever let anything simmer which needs to be addressed.
Love is a privilege, unique to the human species. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t think it will always be there. When problems pile up and you don’t take care of them at that time, you could very well loose the person who you made a vow to…..never take your partner for granted. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Love them, cherish them……
“Relationships are mysterious. We doubt the positive qualities in others, seldom the negative. You will say to your partner: do you really love me? Are you sure you love me? You will ask this a dozen times and drive the person nuts. But you never ask: are you really mad at me? Are you sure you’re angry? When someone is angry, you don’t doubt it for a moment. Yet the reverse should be true. We should doubt the negative in life, and have faith in the positive.”
― Christopher Pike, Remember Me