Being the responsible one


All my life it’s been drilled into me that I had to be responsible..being the eldest, setting the example for my siblings blah blah blah.  I was like a second mother to my 7 years younger sister and she doted on me like a love struck teen.
 
Flip a few years and I become a mother at 19.  Granted I always wanted to be a mother, cherished the role…but not at 19.  However, I accepted my responsibilities and left the Army at 21 (though I wanted to be a career soldier). Entered college and obtained my degrees.
 
Honestly, I don’t know how to be irresponsible. It gnaws at me like a wolf on sheep if I don’t follow through.  Since a little girl I always felt I had to be the strong one, despite the chaotic home life I knew I had to keep things sane.
 
Now at 43 (and a half) there are moments I want to simply throw everything in the air and run away…but I know it’s wrong. There are times I want to jump behind the wheel of my car (and with it being a Mustang) the temptation is well….rather tempting.
 
Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I yearning for something perhaps unattainable?
Am looking at how I can make more money, am looking at the possibility of being deployed within a year’s time.  It’s amazing how soldiers are sent to war zones and other nefarious places and their salaries pale in comparison to their private counterparts.  But of course we all know soldiers go over there with a nobler purpose. (Depends on the person too)…..
 
So here I wonder what can I do to break free of the chains of life but not so much I lose sight of the important big picture……….sigh.
 
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