To simply exist?

Practically my entire life I have always had my eyes towards the future…setting goals and molding myself to meet them.

I never wanted to be a woman who simply existed but one who grabbed life fully–with all its trepidations, uncertainties, and boundless glory.

My sister’s mother-in-law is facing the full frontal force of life. Her partner is in hospice waiting to die. Currently in a coma due to cancer.  She is with him as I write this playing his favorite music, wondering if he can even hear it. (I think he can)….

I respect that devotion…just as I respect the devotion of my mother who is caring for my father. Married for 44 years those two have this “interesting” bond that seems to have surpassed many trials and tribulations.

And as I witness such devotion by these people makes me ponder about my own existence…have I lived or merely existed?  Did I give 200% of myself when it came to my personal achievements?  Did I use all the talents God gave me–used them well and remained grateful for the life I have been given?

I think about what I will eventually leave behind once it is my turn to stroll down that weary road towards perhaps paradise?  And I wonder what the next years will have in store for me? Will I perhaps continue to have the vigor to dream? To dare?? I hope so….because I want to continue exploring life.

Even the bravest that are slain
Shall not dissemble their surprise
On waking to find valor reign,
Even as on earth, in paradise;
And where they sought without the sword
Wide fields of asphodel fore’er,
To find that the utmost reward
Of daring should be still to dare.

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